Why am I pagan?

I miss this site.  Have not been here for a while.  I got asked a question the other day by a "new" younger Pagan and it is a question I get asked on a regular basis, so I choose to post the answer in this blog and thus have them refer as needed.

Why am I pagan?

First off I was never Christian.  I don't have an understanding of that way of life and I was not raised in a Christian home.  I am happy for this for a few reasons, the most important being mental imprinting.  Hitler once said, "Give me your children to the age of 5" (loosely translated), meaning, we are rather set in our beliefs by the time we are five years old.  In a deeper look we are programmed on a much larger level than we understand or comprehend when we are small.  I was never given a bible or introduced to the concept of "faith" as most main stream religiously educated children in this country are.

I was however taught a great deal about nature and the respect thereof.  I was raised in a deeply traditional environment of old world mentality.  I knew by the age of 5 how to look for rain, smell it and feel it.  I knew how to talk to animals and how to feel the change in the situation dynamics through their actions and emotions was nearly flawless.  I knew what the pull of the moon meant.  These were my most imprinted memories and grounded education.  Added to this I was given a good look at intuition at work on a daily basis and never questioned that it was "real" because everyone I knew listened to it to.  

I was well into my teen-aged years before I was introduced to Christianity and religion as a whole.  Being the Leo that I am I did it without fear.  However having Virgo rising I was spectacle.  I watched the actions rather than listened to the words.  I love history and decided it was a good idea to inform myself regardless of the countless attempts to "save" me.  A pagan does not understand that concept and I truly had NO idea what people were talking about.

My first confusions lead me to a deep sorrow for the first of the organized religions that I had ever looked into when it became clear to me that these people believed animals had no souls.  To be fair now, and looking back, I think that was the deal breaker and although I trudged on now I must admit that I was only going through the motions to be SURE I understood "faith" as Christians know it, but animals are and always be a huge part of my soul and without them I am incomplete....so...

I had attempted to convert if only to see what all the fuss was about.  I am very happy I did this.  It is kind of like being a foreign exchange student.  You have to get in the culture to truly see the culture.  It also became apparent that if you were raised from day one with an appreciation for the natural spirits and the discipline of the pagan faiths, conversion is at best, impossible.  I can not answer for others and choose to state that early on.  I speak only for myself.  I was raised with a very common sense attitude.  I was raised to SEE things.  I was also raised to stand my ground and not be led astray by stupidity.  I am of pure Celtic blood and as stated very strong old world attitudes.  To this day I ponder the incredible talents of James Jones..or David Koresh.  I have to ask myself "What kind of pick up line do you have to have to accomplish such overwhelming results?"  

I went to Churches, even joined youth groups.  Nadda...because in my mind...there was no direct sense to the entire history of the bible.  I KNEW the world was pagan before it was Christian.  So that argument was void from the beginning.  I shook my head and really tried to understand but in the end one must consider their audience.  I have a way of seeing things for what they are.  I can not embrace a theology that was birthed from the minds of humans.  I don't understand following a faith that literally attempted to destroy any other cultures or beliefs that stood in it's way for world domination.  For that matter to this day at 45 years old it is impossible to convince me that a religion that got it's hold in this world through the death and degradation of others is a good "Choice".  I was all ready aware that all our holidays had been "adapted" by the Christian religion and in my Rowan way stated that I didn't feel the need for a middle man and chose to celebrate them in their purest forms and for what they were originally intended.  Otherwise it's kind of like always getting to look at the cool water, but never REALLY know the feeling of it.  Or agreeing to watching someone paint a mustache on the Mona Liza.  

It also occurred to me that the people that I met in these groups were very nice, but seemed to be lacking something.   I got excited about the most odd things to them.  I once tried to start a conversation with a Christian about weather the T-Rex was indeed a predator or a scavenger.  You can imagine it did not go far.  As well they seemed stiff to me.  I could not put my finger on it.  I realized later in life that it was odd things.  Like, spending the night at each other's houses just for fun even as adults. (no not for an orgy).  Or retaining a very playful attitude while an adult to the point of tickle fights and brushing each other's hair.  The way they dressed was obviously different and from it I realized that I wear what I want to wear because it is comfortable.  I may show some cleavage, who cares..every woman has boobs right?  Apparently I was mistaken.  

Then the issue of being female became evident.  I am outspoken, flirtatious and continually and eternally curious, not a good fit, even setting aside all the literal questions of inaccuracy of scripture  -vs- actual history.  I am a leader and can be a follower when I know the one leading is intelligent enough to be given the position.  If not...oh well.  I won't do something just because someone says it is written in some obscure book somewhere and labeled "gospel".    

In the end I am pagan because I like beginnings.  I like my feet to touch the earth.  I love mother earth with all my heart and soul and have had an ongoing relationship with her since birth.  She has never failed me.  She has taught me the balance of good and evil, dark and light and pain and pleasure.  She has shown me that all are necessary.  I don't need another human to tell me she is real.  All I need do is ride a horse, or sleep in the tall grass, or feel my own heartbeat.  I can be inspired by anyone or anything.  Paganism gives me the freedom to learn from all faiths because I do not believe in a "Canned God".  I believe God has no limits and I am only a human.  I will search eternally for wisdom and I am o.k. with that journey.  I am not afraid of death.  I am not afraid of life.  I am not afraid of myself or sad that I am a woman.  I have never felt disconnected or alone.  This is an impossibility when you know you are part of something much larger than yourself.   I don't live in fear of what others think or of authority.  I see life as a complete miracle and all things in it as such and feel to take the mystery of the soul and language of nature from my psyche would be comparable to burning my eyes out and sewing my ears shut.

Because I am pagan and always have been I don't hate my body and material possessions are just that..possessions.  They are not living and most of them unnecessary.  I don't fear the ideas of others and because I have never had those mental shackles do not find radical ideas like Quantum Physics and Evolution reasons for in sighting riots.  I believe the soul is a living thing and each person has a right to their own and each soul is a miniature piece of the divine thread that is joined by love and understanding.  

I am not afraid to be aggressive.  I understand that it is part of life and all creatures are born with the need for self preservation.  The trick is learning to adjust intelligently, and my friends intelligence and understanding....are in my opinion...the quickest way to "the divine" mind.

So there you have it.  We are all a detailed paining of our entire lives.  I am a pagan..always have been, and even through years of exploration will always be.  

Blessing and Love

Rowan Canterbury