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(SOLILOQUY) The fear of falling in love.
(SOLILOQUY) The fear of falling in love...
I am just like everybody else. Looking to be loved, aching to love and running from love just as much as we are all running towards it. Such blissful confusion it brings. Love is the closest any sane person will come to being insane. Blessed madness that brings peace to even the most savage of hearts. After all, A heart is still a heart and any heart would welcome love with open arms.
Perhaps that is why I fight so hard to keep that insanity away? Fear of becoming so peaceful that I am lulled into a state of denial and consigned to a realm of dreams. Is that why I fight so hard to be free from that heavenly rapture that is love?I ask myself this as this random man catches my eye. Or, rather does mine capture his? Why is my heart beating so damned fast? He is tall and big boned. Like a really tall foot ball player without the steriod looking muscles. He seems oddly regular and therein lies his glamour. He has kind eyes which seem to be looking at me every chance he gets. My heart sounds like it's galloping! My god His eyes, powerful and strong with the most gentle shine that makes me want to smile. I wonder if he notices me, trying not to notice him? He possesses a voice so deep, slightly raspy and gentle that If I listen to intently, his will be the only voice I’ll want to hear. I know he fears me because of the fights I used to get in to. Just as I fear him for how he makes me feel. I become embarrassed as I feel myself become the little school girl, still inept at the art of flirting. I have never been very good at it anyways, preferring the direct approach. Though he looks and smiles my way nervously every chance he gets, I know he won’t speak to me. I'd have an utter lack for words if he did. His fear of me is stronger than his attraction and the truth of the matter is so is mine. A pity really, it could have been fun. But he does have a powerfully compelling and sultry voice this man.I smile right back at him and engage in conversation with friends and will myself to forget his presence which is a hard to do at first then slowly I become sucessful. I think this is the year I fall in love.
When my heart is being claimed I don’t think of sex and the many positions passion tends to utilize. I think of holding hands. I think of flowers. I think of talking for hours and have it seem like only minutes. I think of watching the sunrise together or sharing our dreams, hopes and our fears. I think of falling asleep in each other’s arms with our clothes on. These are just a few incarnations falling in love can take. The sharing of adventures, closeness and intimacy. I fear these moments because it is like death and hell when they end. True love hurts when you have never truly had it but it kills you slowly, thoroughly, when you have experienced it and it’s gone. This is why I think I fear love and it’s power. This is also why I want it with every fiber of my being.
I am just like everybody else. Looking to be loved, aching to love and running from love just as much as we are all running towards it. Such blissful confusion it brings. Love is the closest any sane person will come to being insane. Blessed madness that brings peace to even the most savage of hearts. After all, A heart is still a heart and any heart would welcome love with open arms.
Perhaps that is why I fight so hard to keep that insanity away? Fear of becoming so peaceful that I am lulled into a state of denial and consigned to a realm of dreams. Is that why I fight so hard to be free from that heavenly rapture that is love?I ask myself this as this random man catches my eye. Or, rather does mine capture his? Why is my heart beating so damned fast? He is tall and big boned. Like a really tall foot ball player without the steriod looking muscles. He seems oddly regular and therein lies his glamour. He has kind eyes which seem to be looking at me every chance he gets. My heart sounds like it's galloping! My god His eyes, powerful and strong with the most gentle shine that makes me want to smile. I wonder if he notices me, trying not to notice him? He possesses a voice so deep, slightly raspy and gentle that If I listen to intently, his will be the only voice I’ll want to hear. I know he fears me because of the fights I used to get in to. Just as I fear him for how he makes me feel. I become embarrassed as I feel myself become the little school girl, still inept at the art of flirting. I have never been very good at it anyways, preferring the direct approach. Though he looks and smiles my way nervously every chance he gets, I know he won’t speak to me. I'd have an utter lack for words if he did. His fear of me is stronger than his attraction and the truth of the matter is so is mine. A pity really, it could have been fun. But he does have a powerfully compelling and sultry voice this man.I smile right back at him and engage in conversation with friends and will myself to forget his presence which is a hard to do at first then slowly I become sucessful. I think this is the year I fall in love.
When my heart is being claimed I don’t think of sex and the many positions passion tends to utilize. I think of holding hands. I think of flowers. I think of talking for hours and have it seem like only minutes. I think of watching the sunrise together or sharing our dreams, hopes and our fears. I think of falling asleep in each other’s arms with our clothes on. These are just a few incarnations falling in love can take. The sharing of adventures, closeness and intimacy. I fear these moments because it is like death and hell when they end. True love hurts when you have never truly had it but it kills you slowly, thoroughly, when you have experienced it and it’s gone. This is why I think I fear love and it’s power. This is also why I want it with every fiber of my being.
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