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An unfinished lament

I'm holding in my own contempt
of those who scoff at her consent
and at man who is content
accepting evil's innocence

blood-soaked tears down an angels eyes
behind her mask conceived of lies
a body broken in by faith
when rational comes far too late
this "perfect" law that calls to kill
the victim of a sick man's will
i'll say no god of mine made this
perfection can contain no filth
and so i smash your sacred stone

Possibly I will make this into a full song. Either way, it feels unfinished to me. I'd love to hear people's thoughts on it though. It took four minutes to write, so be as harsh as you want, the criticism is more helpful than the disagreement is harmful :)

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Comment by William Ball on November 14, 2009 at 9:25pm: and so i smash your sacred stone
so that no man may now atone
for unwept sins, nor then condone
his fellow man who follows step
in keeping with a sacred text
wrought with blood of innocence
for praise of god that took no step

to heal his broken angels

Does that sound more finished now? I kind of just made that up on the fly lol. About to go to bed but I don't wanna leave it unfinished now that you brought my attention back to it :P

Also, thanks for the big compliments :)

Comment by William Ball on September 1, 2009 at 3:36pm: Thanks a lot for the compliment and the critique :)

Comment by Cameron S. on September 1, 2009 at 3:32pm: It does feel like it is unfinished mostly do to the very last line, though to me it sounds very strong. Some of the words seem a bit forced in places, though if it's a song then it still may work ok. Just be careful of forcing things in to much for it can disrupt the flow of the song in some cases.